Aaj ki Taaza Khabar

- Do you feel like donating the newspaper to the guy shitting along the railway lines, cos it would be put to better use?

- Do you feel like pelting a stone at the TV whenever you hear the screaming and yelling on the news channels?

You aren't alone buddy. All of us are sailing in the same boat. Here we are, pulling our hair over the daily dramas with the Bai, knocking our heads off over bossy bosses, going bonkers over the traffic, trying to breathe through the mouth cos the compartment’s full of sweaty fellas. After such a khatarnaak day, when we turn to the Khabars for relaxation, what do we get? Loads of shit.

The overly exhausting and unreasonably stressful life becomes brutally torturous. Grim unbearable and unfortunate state of affairs. Who wants to be greeted with that on a daily basis?

I was no different. I had started hating picking up the newspaper or scouting for news on the internet. Until one fine day, when I realised that newspapers are no less a source of comedy and relaxation. Don’t believe me? Check out these real headlines.

Priyanka Gandhi wrote to the Government in 2002, pleading that 53000 per month was a rent she could not afford ....

How small was the house? Umm, not much - 2800 sqm. Did she leave the house? Baawla ho gaya ke? She asked for a rent reduction. And how could the Government not oblige the ummm ummm, Sonia Gandhi’s campaign supervisor? Rahul Gandhi’s campaign advisor? Nehru-Gandhi family member? I thought I got this one.  Chhad na yaar! Long story short, her rent was brought down to 8000.

Aishwarya Rai Bacchan bestowed with the Global Indian of the Year Award ....

Arey, why wouldn’t she be? After all, she won the Miss World crown in 1994. Wait we are in 2016 today. Never mind. She was a lead actress in many Bollywood movies. Wait, that was until a decade ago? So what? There’s gotta be something else too. She has a ton of endorsements up her sleeve, look at the Lodha hoardings all over the place. Doesn’t qualify? Maybe a name in the Panama Papers does!

Mayawati says, I will not build memorials, I will focus on development ....

The Kumari Mayawati, also known as ‘Miracle of Democracy’, is tired. Of celebrating her birthday as Peoples Welfare Day in the state of UP? No way. Of the disproportionate assets cases? Nah. Of building statues, be it Kanshi Ram’s or other leaders or even her own. Was the alleged expenditure scam of 40000 crores eventually an eye-opener? Better late than never types. No yaar. Sau baaton ki ek baat, there are no spaces left. So now secondary things such as development can be tended to!

Unholy things done by honeymooners caused floods in Kedarnath in 2013 ....

Shiv shiv shiv shiv! Well said by Shankaracharya of the Jyotish Dwarka-Shardapeeth! How could they? How could they dare to commit the most natural act in the world? The same act which brought Shankaracharya on our planet earth in the first place? This makes as much sense as his other statements. Peshe khidmat hai:

- Entry of women in the shrine of Shani Shingnapur will cause increase in crimes against them.

- Worship of Shirdi Saibaba has caused drought-like conditions in Maharashtra.

So on and so forth…..

Vijay Mallya may make a revised settlement offer of Rs 6000 crore to banks ....

And you and I thought he had fled to London! God bless the noble soul. The King of Good Times does want to oblige banks after all.  So what if they are looking to recover 9000 crores in dues! Isn’t 6000 crores good enough! Spare the stingy thrifty prudent being, shall ya! He’s spent a very small amount after all. On? On very essential bare necessities of life such as the 3 day celebration of his birthday where Enrique Iglesias sang ‘Happy Birthday’ to him. Or it be the acquisition of IPL players. Or even purchasing islands and private airplanes.

Sample a few more :

- ‘Will eventually buy another car’, say individuals who’ve been forced to take the metro on alternate days. Where? In Delhi re! But don’t worry, this is only if the scheme is implemented on a permanent basis.

- Mamata Banerjee has ridiculed the Election Commission's show-cause notice. She says nothing can change her remarks, not even transfers of officers. She has told the naïve EC to take any action as they please. Rok sako toh rok lo!

So the next time around, do not miss out on your daily dose of Comedy Nights with the newspapers. Its not just the Amul ads, there is a joke hiding in many a headlines, if you have the Aapki Parkhi Nazar!

Clip art image by Cliparts.co